Mathematics
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where so meone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
BUT -- If you really want a top score, try
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 126%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Don't you just Love it!!!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Three Baseball Fans
Three Baseball Fans
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.
He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Y ankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.
He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Y ankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
British Airways
WELL DONE, BRITISH AIRWAYS!
This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa
and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next
to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air
hostess.
'You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. 'You placed me next
to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a
repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat.'
'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this
flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.'
The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the
Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is
also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place
in the First Class.'
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. 'It is not
usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class
to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the
captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to
someone sooooo disgusting. 'She turned to the black guy, and said,
'Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand
luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class.'
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they
had just witnessed, stood up and applauded. This is a true story. If
you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends;
please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.
WELL DONE, British Airways
This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa
and London, England. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next
to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air
hostess.
'You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. 'You placed me next
to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a
repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat.'
'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this
flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.'
The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later.
'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the
Economy Class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is
also no seat in the Business Class. All the same, we still have one place
in the First Class.'
Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. 'It is not
usual for our company to permit someone from the Economy Class
to sit in the First Class. However, given the circumstances, the
captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to
someone sooooo disgusting. 'She turned to the black guy, and said,
'Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand
luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class.'
At that moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they
had just witnessed, stood up and applauded. This is a true story. If
you are against racism, please send this message to all your friends;
please do not delete it without sending it to at least one person.
WELL DONE, British Airways
OBSERVATIONS OF THE MALE RITUAL PREPARATION PRIOR TO AN INTRODUCTORY SOCIAL INTERACTION
“OBSERVATIONS OF THE MALE RITUAL PREPARATION PRIOR TO AN INTRODUCTORY SOCIAL INTERACTION”
A play by Michael Zeitz
1/1/08
Character List
Narrator
Brian – Lead
TV - Commercial
Terry – date in bar
Additional bar patrons
ACT ONE:
SCENE ONE:
FADE IN:
BRIAN’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
The room is dark, with just a few cracks of light coming in through the tightly drawn blinds blocking the mid day sun from the room. On the couch spread out lay Brian in a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt with a blanket loosely spread out across him. The glare of the TV that he left on to help him sleep shines on his face. On the TV is a commercial for a dating website, the volume is low, but we can hear the commercial.
TV
Perfect Match.com is America's most successful relationship service. The company is sponsored by one of America's most recognized match makers, best-selling satirist and television star Dr. Nelson Peter Harrisburg.
NARRATOR
Subject 613, Observation of Brian in preparations for evening out.
The clock behind the bed, one of the old flip number clocks, has changed from 4:29 to 4:30 P.M. and the alarm sounds.
BRIAN
Awe come on, 4:30 already?
Brian drops his hand on the clock and turns off the alarm, picks up the remote control and turns off the TV. He reaches for the shades and opens them up. As the light pours into the room, we get a better look at Brian’s apartment. Things appear mostly unpacked, but not completely. Brian walks up to his bureau and looks in the mirror hung above it and then down to the photo of him with a woman. Next to the photo is a printed copy of an email which reads in Brian’s voice as we see it on the bureau.
BRIAN
Hey Brian, yes this is a first for me to; I guess it’s ok to be nervous right? Either way, I’m really looking forward to meeting you; I’ll be the one wearing a pink shirt and reading a copy of “The Complete Poems of Robert Herrick.” C U at 7, looking forward to meeting you. “T”.
He opens one of the drawers and pulls out a shirt, underwear and socks, and neatly places them on his bureau. We see through the reflection in the mirror that it is quickly approaching 5. Brian goes to his closet and lays a pair of pants out on his bed. He moves to set up his ironing board, plugs in his iron, and grabs the towel from the hook on his closet door, and drops his clothes before walking into the bathroom. The bathroom is much more brightly lit than the rest of the apartment. Brian drapes his towel over the shower door and reaches in to turn the water on for his shower. He walks in front of the bathroom sink a grabs his toothbrush and brushes his teeth, followed by a brisk swirling of mouthwash. For a few moments he stands in front of the bathroom mirror just staring. As he stands there, we can see the clock by the bed through the door way. He leans over and picks up his shaving cream, lathers up and begins to shave. After finishing, he looks closely and doesn’t appear happy with the finish, lathers up again, and shaves again. This time he finishes with a more satisfying smoothness. He begins to trim the hairs in his nose and clips his fingernails, finishing with a nail file to make sure they are perfect. Brian turns around and steps into the shower. When he closes the curtain, we can see the outline of his body through the curtain, but are not able to make out much more. The curtain rod is just below the top of his head, and we can see him lather up his hair and complete his shower rituals, all along singing “What I Got” by Sublime. He finishes up in the shower, reaches down to turn off the water and begins to dry off. After he wraps himself in the towel he steps out of the shower and rubs the mist off the mirror so he can run a comb through his hair. He reaches for some moisturizer and places a little on his face, rubs it in, and applies some deodorant, then leaves the bathroom. Brian walks back out into his bedroom, drops the towel to the floor and puts on his underwear. He takes his pants and shirt to the ironing board and irons everything. He gets dressed and spends a few minutes in front of the mirror in his bedroom straightening his collar before moving back to the bathroom. In the bathroom, he does the finishing touches on his hair with a little gel, rinse his mouth out once more with mouthwash and sprays on a little cologne. He walks to his front door, grabs his sport coat and walks out the front door, shutting it behind him.
Fade out:
ACT ONE:
SCENE TWO:
Fade in:
ROCK’S CAFÉ – EARLY EVENING
Brian walks into the front door of the bar and does a quick survey of the spot. The bar is pretty trendy, the place is fairly well lit with light colored walls and angled mirrors at the top that catch the light and reflect the name of the bar onto the ceiling. Brian walks to the bar to order a drink when he notices someone, we see a beautiful women in a pink shirt reading a book at the, as he get’s up and walk past her we realize that this was not Herrick’s book of poetry, suddenly we realize what is happening as Brian walks up to a gentleman in a booth behind her in a pink shirt reading the book of poetry that we realize he is meeting a man he had met online not a woman.
BRIAN
Terry, Hi, it’s me Brian, nice to meet you.
Terry stands up to give Brian a hug, Brian smiles
TERRY
I didn’t think you would show up.
BRIAN
I was a little nervous too.
The two of them sit back down and Colin Hay’s “Waiting for my real life to begin” starts to play in the background. The Narrator’s voice speaks over the music
NARRATOR
After careful observation we have learned that regardless of orientation, preparatory behaviors of the male homosapien prior to an introductory social interaction seem to be consistent across the entire species, further preventing the classification of a single behavioral practice that would easily identify those with orientations straying from the species norm.
A play by Michael Zeitz
1/1/08
Character List
Narrator
Brian – Lead
TV - Commercial
Terry – date in bar
Additional bar patrons
ACT ONE:
SCENE ONE:
FADE IN:
BRIAN’S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON
The room is dark, with just a few cracks of light coming in through the tightly drawn blinds blocking the mid day sun from the room. On the couch spread out lay Brian in a pair of boxer shorts and a t-shirt with a blanket loosely spread out across him. The glare of the TV that he left on to help him sleep shines on his face. On the TV is a commercial for a dating website, the volume is low, but we can hear the commercial.
TV
Perfect Match.com is America's most successful relationship service. The company is sponsored by one of America's most recognized match makers, best-selling satirist and television star Dr. Nelson Peter Harrisburg.
NARRATOR
Subject 613, Observation of Brian in preparations for evening out.
The clock behind the bed, one of the old flip number clocks, has changed from 4:29 to 4:30 P.M. and the alarm sounds.
BRIAN
Awe come on, 4:30 already?
Brian drops his hand on the clock and turns off the alarm, picks up the remote control and turns off the TV. He reaches for the shades and opens them up. As the light pours into the room, we get a better look at Brian’s apartment. Things appear mostly unpacked, but not completely. Brian walks up to his bureau and looks in the mirror hung above it and then down to the photo of him with a woman. Next to the photo is a printed copy of an email which reads in Brian’s voice as we see it on the bureau.
BRIAN
Hey Brian, yes this is a first for me to; I guess it’s ok to be nervous right? Either way, I’m really looking forward to meeting you; I’ll be the one wearing a pink shirt and reading a copy of “The Complete Poems of Robert Herrick.” C U at 7, looking forward to meeting you. “T”.
He opens one of the drawers and pulls out a shirt, underwear and socks, and neatly places them on his bureau. We see through the reflection in the mirror that it is quickly approaching 5. Brian goes to his closet and lays a pair of pants out on his bed. He moves to set up his ironing board, plugs in his iron, and grabs the towel from the hook on his closet door, and drops his clothes before walking into the bathroom. The bathroom is much more brightly lit than the rest of the apartment. Brian drapes his towel over the shower door and reaches in to turn the water on for his shower. He walks in front of the bathroom sink a grabs his toothbrush and brushes his teeth, followed by a brisk swirling of mouthwash. For a few moments he stands in front of the bathroom mirror just staring. As he stands there, we can see the clock by the bed through the door way. He leans over and picks up his shaving cream, lathers up and begins to shave. After finishing, he looks closely and doesn’t appear happy with the finish, lathers up again, and shaves again. This time he finishes with a more satisfying smoothness. He begins to trim the hairs in his nose and clips his fingernails, finishing with a nail file to make sure they are perfect. Brian turns around and steps into the shower. When he closes the curtain, we can see the outline of his body through the curtain, but are not able to make out much more. The curtain rod is just below the top of his head, and we can see him lather up his hair and complete his shower rituals, all along singing “What I Got” by Sublime. He finishes up in the shower, reaches down to turn off the water and begins to dry off. After he wraps himself in the towel he steps out of the shower and rubs the mist off the mirror so he can run a comb through his hair. He reaches for some moisturizer and places a little on his face, rubs it in, and applies some deodorant, then leaves the bathroom. Brian walks back out into his bedroom, drops the towel to the floor and puts on his underwear. He takes his pants and shirt to the ironing board and irons everything. He gets dressed and spends a few minutes in front of the mirror in his bedroom straightening his collar before moving back to the bathroom. In the bathroom, he does the finishing touches on his hair with a little gel, rinse his mouth out once more with mouthwash and sprays on a little cologne. He walks to his front door, grabs his sport coat and walks out the front door, shutting it behind him.
Fade out:
ACT ONE:
SCENE TWO:
Fade in:
ROCK’S CAFÉ – EARLY EVENING
Brian walks into the front door of the bar and does a quick survey of the spot. The bar is pretty trendy, the place is fairly well lit with light colored walls and angled mirrors at the top that catch the light and reflect the name of the bar onto the ceiling. Brian walks to the bar to order a drink when he notices someone, we see a beautiful women in a pink shirt reading a book at the, as he get’s up and walk past her we realize that this was not Herrick’s book of poetry, suddenly we realize what is happening as Brian walks up to a gentleman in a booth behind her in a pink shirt reading the book of poetry that we realize he is meeting a man he had met online not a woman.
BRIAN
Terry, Hi, it’s me Brian, nice to meet you.
Terry stands up to give Brian a hug, Brian smiles
TERRY
I didn’t think you would show up.
BRIAN
I was a little nervous too.
The two of them sit back down and Colin Hay’s “Waiting for my real life to begin” starts to play in the background. The Narrator’s voice speaks over the music
NARRATOR
After careful observation we have learned that regardless of orientation, preparatory behaviors of the male homosapien prior to an introductory social interaction seem to be consistent across the entire species, further preventing the classification of a single behavioral practice that would easily identify those with orientations straying from the species norm.
Carlin's widsom for 2006
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2006
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
You gotta LOVE George Carlin's Wisdom!
New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop fucking with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,extra dry,light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
You gotta LOVE George Carlin's Wisdom!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Amazing Home Remedies
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage
will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Just remember to use
a timer!
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be
afraid to cough.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage
will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Just remember to use
a timer!
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be
afraid to cough.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
1. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
2. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
3. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
4. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan
My bobbeh's teaching
My Bobbeh's Talmud
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry;but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye.?Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good
parkingspot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything,but it makes youfeel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry;but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
WASPs leave and never say good-bye.?Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good
parkingspot at the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything,but it makes youfeel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.
Interesting Facts
Interesting facts
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independenceon July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresseswere secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independenceon July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresseswere secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh
GIVE YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE EXERCISE.
5 RIDDLES
GIVE YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE EXERCISE.
Now I think I should sue for being given a faulty brain...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM BUT DON'T CHEAT AND LOOK AHEAD!
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
GIVE YOUR BRAIN A LITTLE EXERCISE.
Now I think I should sue for being given a faulty brain...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM BUT DON'T CHEAT AND LOOK AHEAD!
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away ?
4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?
5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!
THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1 The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.
How did you do?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
George W. Bush resume (before second term)
RESUME
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers
baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including
Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History,Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure
my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over
the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in
U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security
failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans(71%)view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
review.
GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.
Military: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975.
I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company
went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers
baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including
Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.
I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury.
I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history.
I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.
I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President.
I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations.
My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History,Enron.
My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure
my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over
the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.
I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in
U.S. history.
I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States government.
I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.
I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.
I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.
I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).
I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security
failure in U.S. history.
I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked,pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community.
I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime.
In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans(71%)view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.
I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public
review.
You know you're from Boston when
Information on Boston and the surrounding area:
There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill.
If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave; South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.
Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't. If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is CLUB SODA. "Pop" is Dad.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
t's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza".
If you take the bus, your on the "looza crooza".
It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic.
It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.
If something's good, it's "pissa". If something's really good, it's "wicked pissa".
The Pat's = The Patriots
The Sox = The Red Sox
The C's = The Celtics
The B's = The Bruins
Things not to do:
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd ... they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).
Don't sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).
The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha':
"Solid blue, clear view...."
"Flashing blue, clouds due...."
"Solid red, rain ahead...."
"Flashing red, snow instead...." - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)
Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.
Bostonians... think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."
Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Bostonians...say everything in town is "a five-minute walk." (pronounced "wok")
Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.
How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester: Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Wooban
Dedham: Dedim (like denim)
Revere: Re-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Peabody: Peabuddy
Waltham: Walth-ham
Chatham: Chattum
There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street.
Back Bay streets are in alphabetical "oddah": Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, etc. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D, etc. If the streets are named after trees (e.g. Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill.
If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.
Massachusetts Ave is Mass Ave; Commonwealth Ave is Comm Ave; South Boston is Southie. The South End is the South End. East Boston is Eastie. The North End is east of the former West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more; a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night. Roxbury is The Burry, Jamaica Plain is J.P.
Definitions:
Frappes have ice cream, milkshakes don't. If it is fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is CLUB SODA. "Pop" is Dad.
When we want Tonic WATER, we will ask for Tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6/pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain; it's a bubblah.
It's not a trashcan; it's a barrel.
t's not a shopping cart; it's a carriage.
It's not a purse; it's a pockabook.
They're not franks; they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.
Police don't drive patrol units or black and whites they drive a "crooza".
If you take the bus, your on the "looza crooza".
It's not a rubber band, it's an elastic.
It's not a traffic circle, it's a rotary.
"Going to the islands" means Martha's Vineyard & Nantucket.
If something's good, it's "pissa". If something's really good, it's "wicked pissa".
The Pat's = The Patriots
The Sox = The Red Sox
The C's = The Celtics
The B's = The Bruins
Things not to do:
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd ... they'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).
Don't sleep in the Common. (Boston Common)
Don't wear Orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.
Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new for each).
The colored lights on top the old Hancock tell the weatha':
"Solid blue, clear view...."
"Flashing blue, clouds due...."
"Solid red, rain ahead...."
"Flashing red, snow instead...." - (except in summer; flashing red means the Red Sox game was rained out)
Route 128 is also I-95 south. It's also I-93 north.
The underground train is not a subway. It's the "T", and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).
Order the "cold tea" in China Town after 2:00 am you'll get a kettle full of beer.
Bostonians... think that it's their God-given right to cut off someone in traffic.
Bostonians...think that there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
Bostonians...think that three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
Bostonians...refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting."
Bostonians...always "bang a left" as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
Bostonians...say everything in town is "a five-minute walk." (pronounced "wok")
Bostonians...believe that using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
Bostonians...think that 63-degree ocean water is warm.
Bostonians...think Rhode Island accents are annoying.
How to say these Massachusetts city names correctly:
Worcester: Wuhsta (or Wistah)
Gloucester: Glawsta
Leicester: Lesta
Woburn: Wooban
Dedham: Dedim (like denim)
Revere: Re-vee-ah
Quincy: Quinzee
Peabody: Peabuddy
Waltham: Walth-ham
Chatham: Chattum
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